Who lives in a house like this?

Fish in the fridge, cephalopods on the wall - we go through the keyhole

Who lives in a house like this  Everybody Plays
25th April, 2014

Who lives in a house like this? It's a good question. On first glance, this may appear to be the humble abode of an every day, common or garden family man - but could a huge secret be lying beneath the surface? Are there clues that suggest this house may be home to someone with a secret identity, a celebrity, or an eight legged octopus who's recently starred in his own PS4 game? That's a question for you to decide for yourself, as we go through the keyhole!


A humble family bed for a humble family man, perhaps. But what can the bedroom tell us about its inhabitant? There's a radioactive pillow, suggesting this is a man that looks danger in the face, and laughs a gurgley laugh. Two portraits on the wall show the people he holds close - on the left his family, and on the right, his wife, yet it's perhaps of note that there's not a single fish to be seen.


In the other half of the bedroom, it's a similar story. There's a painting of himself on the wall, suggesting a narcissistic streak that may not have been obvious before. Another portrait of the family sits atop the chest of drawers, next to an alarm clock that seems to have been tipped on to its side while it was being turned off, as though whoever attempted to deactivate it had unusually sticky hands. Or, say, suckers.


The living room is a typical family room, with an unusually proportioned child admiring a wooden train, a bookshelf that seems to be in the process of spontaneously combusting, and a confused looking dad, who's wondering why the door knob seems to have just fallen off in his hand. An everyday family scene, without a doubt, but there's evidence of those unfathomably sticky hands at work again - even if we're sure there's a reasonable explanation, rather than assuming our star is a hidden octopus, or anything equally ridiculous.


Like many dads, this is a man with a deep rooted love of Christmas, with a humourous poster on the wall of what would appear to be an octopus dressed as Santa Claus, either delivering presents or staging a break in with his tentacles of doom. In the bottom left, we see his charming daughter, staring with deep suspicion at her father, as all daughters do, while her chin protrudes at an angle that threatens to destroy anything with which it comes in to contact.


Either way, this is a man who really hasn't got the hang of door knobs. Or, seemingly, walking without flinging furniture across the room.


Clearly a fan of avant-garde design, we enter the kitchen to see a log fire, made out of a single log, in the middle of his kitchen, as his loving wife does the dishes. But who'd live in a house like this? Are we any closer to deciding?


Clearly someone with a deep seated love of sushi - one of the few who can willingly eat raw fish.


Someone who's a proud parent, and "#1 Dad"


And someone who always has time for a spot of yoga on the kitchen table, like every good parent.


Even in the garden, the evidence of a normal family life is clear. There's a slide, a see-saw, his wife's intricate and well-maintained flower garden, and a handy shed, where they store the family lawnmower. And precisely 67 balls.


With the lawnmower in hand, this is a man who looks after his garden like he looks after his family - by flinging his limbs around and praying no-one notices he doesn't have a clue what he's doing. Demonstrating his still unusually sticky hands, he's a pro with the mo', disposing of long grass, his wife's prize petunias, and unfortunate large insects in record time.


And like most reasonable people, he has a deep seated hatred of garden gnomes.


With axe in hand, and pink hair clip in, er, hair, this is a man who's not consigned to traditional gender roles either. Working up a sweat while chopping the family's firewood, yet maintaining his unique fashion sense in the process, this is one dad who looks fab-u-lous.


Yes, this really is an all round family man. He can look after the kids, take care of his wife, and keep perhaps ever so slightly too close an eye on the food all at the same time. He also clearly likes his burgers towards the charcoal end of the cooking spectrum, but then, who doesn't?


And after an exhausting day of totally normal family life, what better way to relax than sprawled out over the top of the family slide, suspiciously orange limbs dangling everywhere?

But who lives in a house like this? A normal human being, or an octopus in disguise? You've seen the evidence - now you decide!
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